This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
