omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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