Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
