hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
