And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
