I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
