Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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