i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
