dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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