this beer tastes like vomit already
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
