im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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