i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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