I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
