I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
