I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
