Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
