Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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