All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
