My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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