these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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