Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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