if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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