i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
