I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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