i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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