$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
