"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
