They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
