I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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