I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
