I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
How external is "for external use only"?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
sex in a hospital.. check
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
