It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
