i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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