did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
