Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize