Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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