Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
i think my cat just said my name.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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