also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
