When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I supernannyed him into submission
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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