i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
