how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
