Cold hands, warm shart.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
