I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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