We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You took a bar mat shot.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
