How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
