Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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