Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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