Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I will pee on everything he values.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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