dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
