if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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