I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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