i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
