i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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