Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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