Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
