how can u be prego again
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
