You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
