I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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